Torn in Two – Part 1
The Chronic Pain Series
11th of August 2021
The wind rages outside my window. On the other side of the glass my body stirs in pain. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to escape this whirlwind of agony. But no matter where I go, no matter where I turn, no matter what I do – there seems to be no way out of this chaos.
I always thought I’d prefer physical pain to mental anguish. And yet in my naiveté it never occurred to me that the former would exacerbate the latter. It wasn’t until chronic pain made itself at home in my lower-back that I grasped just how much mental havoc pain can wreak.
Some try to put my mind at ease by telling me “it’ll pass”. Others tell me to look on the bright side as “it could be worse”. However, the ones who irk me the most are those who encourage me to find a way to “accept the situation”.
How can I accept something that causes me such turmoil?
How can I accept something that limits my capacity to live my life?
How can I accept something that is forever gnawing at me?
Endure, tolerate, withstand – these I can understand. But accept? HA!
Perhaps I could play a trick on myself. Fashion some fancy sophism designed to hoodwink me into acceptance. But that’s all it would ever be – just some hair-brain scheme concocted in a futile attempt to escape this suffering.
I guess, there is that other possibility. That ghastly idea too scary to even look at. . .
What if it’s true?
What if all the things I’ve tried to bury over the years have found another way to make their presence known?
What if it is these ghosts that are gnawing at my body?
What if the only way out of this is to face the shadows lurking in my psyche?
What you just read is a heavily edited journal entry I never intended to share. It was written during one of the lowest points of my life. I was in the middle of a two-year battle with chronic back pain. That experience flipped my life on its head. So much so that the person who was thrust into it, is unrecognisable to the person who came out of it.
Hitherto I’ve been reluctant to share this story because of how vulnerable it feels to do so. But I’ve realised I must share it. As I feel there are dimensions to this story that may be helpful to people going through similar things. And so, over the next few months, I will be sharing this story in a serialised fashion. In a fortnight, I’ll post Part 2. Therein, I’ll return to the start of the story and begin telling it in chronological order.
Until then, thank you for reading.
Boy do I get what you’re saying. The unfathomable acceptance lurking behind all the necessary grief, disappointment, uncertainty and rage. So glad you’re sharing this Michael. I’ll be right here alongside you!
It is never easy to expose your most vulnerable parts, Michael, but it is liberating.