My first back injury was sliding into a lunch table. My second was reaching for a stapler. The causes were so innocuous and unimpressive that the pain and incapacitation that followed were inconceivable. The origin stories for being felled like this should be epic man vs nature tales that lead to battle scars worn like badges of honor, but they rarely are. Those tiny discs in our spines are much more fickle than that.
This storytelling here is incredible. Because I do know pain like this, I can attest that you descriptions of the symptoms do justice to what I felt. I straightened my posture instinctively while reading. Your description of the on-set in the bathroom nails that helpless feeling as this one wrong move suddenly crumples you inward and leaves you in a broken-postured rigor mortis. This piece conveys the physical experience of this miserable injury so well, at least as I experienced it—you’ve literally hit every symptom except one.
The most fascinating element was your look at the cultural connotations around it. Pain tolerance is absolutely something conditioned as necessary to earn masculinity when I was growing up;. My dad once had a four-inch piece of wood impale him while breaking down branches and he asked for a towel; he needed surgery and eight staples. Back injuries defy that endurance of pain because they inhibit function and overtake nearly all motor function at times. Everything goes through the back! Sitting uses that area, sleeping affects that area—the back and spine are grand central station for corporeal kinetics. And yet caving to that injury feels so manly. I made mine worse the first time by doing this at baseball practice that needed to get done. I couldn’t just stand there hunched over! I’d have been a wuss!
I don’t enjoy, per se, reading about your pain; it’s uncomfortable to follow a good person felled by his failing form. But it’s compelling writing, sharp storytelling, and a visceral experience for me approaching five years post-surgery. I’m eager to see how you ultimately addressed this conflict physically, culturally, and emotionally.
Ohhh man, I know right!? These injuries coming from such innocuous things feels like a true injustice haha. It’s very humbling.
I’m so glad to hear the descriptions rung true to your experience. I found it hard to describe the physical sensation of pain without feeling like I was being hyperbolic. But I hoped that people who’d also experienced how bad it can feel would understand that the hyperbole is the only way to accurately convey the feeling. Which is my long winded way of saying I’m so glad you related to it.
Isn’t it just the strangest thing — we’re conditioned to ignore or push through the body’s strongest signal that we need to yield. It’s crazy. And it feels especially rampant in most sports. I mean, I spoke of skating but when I was younger I also did boxing and football and both had a similar issue. Which is why I totally understand you not wanting to hunch over in baseball practice.
Thank you, Michael. I really appreciate the depth and thoughtfulness of your comment and I really appreciate the kind words as well. It means a lot.
Also, there will be a resolution of sorts but the story has a long way to go yet. :)
I agree Michael, sharing the back story and the cultural connotations is how it will open people's eyes and teach a different way. Well done.
I have had many patients carried into my clinic in this condition and you did do a perfect job of explaining the pain. The mechanisms of injury you describe are very common (years in trade followed by increased sitting after becoming a student, with a stint of low back extension working overhead = a recipe for disaster, never mind skateboarding).
Thank you, Donna. It felt necessary to show the views that informed my thinking at the time, both because of how these cultural connotations are harmful and to show how my views transformed by the end of this experience. There is much more learning and change for me to go through before this story ends haha.
And thank you, I’m happy to hear you found the pain descriptions fitting. As for my mechanisms for injury, like I said in the other comment, I wish I ran into you earlier. :)
Michael, your talent for keeping a reader engaged with your writing is immense. I'm so sorry to read about how much pain you put yourself through before you listened to your body, but I'm hoping that the story has a happy ending.❤️🙏🕊️
Great writing Michael. I believe you haven't really lived until you've had to piss in a bottle. It's a rite of passage—a badge unlocked, whatever the reason.
I too have felt this type of pain, one time a result of picking up a dropped hairbrush, another from raising from my ergonomic work chair (which corporate rules required me to report as "work related injury" until I formally stated it was a repeat issue not work related) but the reaction certainly wasn't warranted by the action and so embarrassing to admit to. I do hope part 2 reveals relief for you, for me the "dead bug" position with
hand to knee resistance moves work wonders, I am a bit jealous of the bottle option you were able to utilize. Best wishes!
There is a feeling of terrible injustice when the action doesn’t warrant the excessively painful reaction. Almost like rubbing salt into the wounds haha.
I’m not happy to hear you’ve experienced such pain, but I am glad you was able to relate.
And yes, eventually I do find some relief, but the story has a long way to go yet.
I wish I could put the parts out sooner, but having some time in-between each one gives me more time to refine them and work on other writing. So unfortunately, for now, a new part will come each fortnight. But I am awfully flattered to hear you’re eager for me — so thank you :)
Oh, Michael, I’m sorry to hear of your back pain, it can really take over everything in your life. I appreciated the context you gave in construction and skateboarding, the mindset definitely paints a picture. My hubs (a contractor, but only a skateboarder when he was a kid ;) was 49ish when his back first went out, right in the middle of our moving into a new home, too. Except it wasn’t the move that caused it, but bending to put on his socks. Your toilet experience beats that, but still, I get how frustrating that must have been!
Pulling our backs out in these innocuous ways makes me feel like the universe has some sort sick sense of humour! Tell your husband I feel his pain.
And thank you Robin, I’m glad to hear you enjoyed the context — I’m slowly trying to build an image of who I was then, so by the end of this series we can see how the ordeal helped me transform. But we have a long way to go yet :)
Ahhhh, what a great chapter and insight into our culture’s refusal to acknowledge pain and allow it to slow us down or pay attention. My husband just started working with a new client the other day who reported that there are 1000s of deaths and 100’s of thousands of injuries on construction sites per year. That’s a whole lot of people popping pain-killers and pushing through injuries until the body finally says No More.
Wow, those are some big numbers, but, yes, given our cultural attitudes around pain and pushing through, especially on construction sites — I’m not surprised by those numbers.
It’s a crazy thing really: we ignore the strongest sign our body can give us. It’s nuts. It makes me feel as though our bodies are more than justified when they finally say No More — mine certainly was anyway.
Thank you, Kimberly. I really appreciate you being here. :)
DUDE. All the yes. Which is to say ohhhh no! Somehow it always feels worse when it’s something small and dumb that dumps the bullheaded camel over on its face, rather than some glorious “no shit, there I was” tale. Kind of exposes the entire pile of straw that we’ve been ignoring. The mindset of those two cultures… some of the martial arts cultures I’ve been in have that big “suck it up” and even the “badge of pride” mentality. So damaging. It’s amazing how insidiously these things worm into us, and just how deep their fangs sink in.
Do you still have to fight it? Even knowing better, it’s still there for me like rough spots I’ve had to gouge out, fill in and paint over.
And no. No worries about TMI for me. Bodies are messy. Bodies in pain more so. You friggin craftsman, you! Hanging plot like wall supports and precarious decorative cornices to keep us dangling on the edge. Uuuugh…now I wanna know!!!
I love your comments, Alexx! They always make me smile. “Bullheaded camel” is an especially delicious phrase — I’m going to use that somewhere.
I know, right! When it’s something so small it’s like ‘ohh I’m so much softer and feeble than I thought I was, what a house of straw this is’ haha. It’s rough.
Yeah that is a really good point, even to this day — after everything I’ve supposedly learnt — I still have to fight it sometimes. I find that my initial response is to push through and suck it up, and then I sort of catch myself and remind myself to chill and yield and not act like such a bullheaded camel. Which is to say the conditioning runs deep, but I do find I’m better than I used to be.
And thank you, your compliments and flattery is very much appreciated. I’m so glad I’ve ‘hooked’ you to speak. :)
Yours always make me smile too. Steal at will! It’s like the Dark Side, man. *Yoda voice* Mmm…much fear I sense in you. *Vader breathing* The conditioning is strong with this one…. 😝
Oh, got the hook down nice and deep, for sure!! 🎣 🐠
Oh, Michael, I love this installation in the story of your chronic pain (although not that you had to deal with it!). You weave the story with both your witty humor and a poignant reminder of how stubborn we sometimes can be in our refusal to see what is in front of us, to admit we’re in trouble, and to seek help.
Glad you at last hobbled off to a doctor and looking forward to what comes next.
Thank you, Holly. I’m so glad you enjoyed this installation. And I really appreciate the kind words on my writing — it’s been a delicate dance to balance the humour with the seriousness, and so, it’s lovely to hear it worked for you. :)
Oh I know that delicate dance well. It’s not just in writing but in life, I think, where it’s important. And yes, it worked wonderfully! The bottle peeing and worse—oh my!
A fascinating read for me as it's what I have dealt with every day of my thirty year career as a chiropractor. I will resist the strong urge to tell you why this happened and exactly what you need to do about it! My heart is breaking for this Michael and it remains seriously impressed by the other Michael, the one that I have come to know.
Sharing this story is SO important. I hope it helps you continue on your healing journey and I know it will help so many people see below their neuro-musculoskeletal pain to the message that lives there. I look forward to reading more. Thank you Michael.
Ahhh Donna, how I wish I had of ran into someone like you earlier in this ordeal — it would’ve saved me a whole lot of pain.
I imagine the next few parts of this series will be particularly frustrating for you, as your going to know what I need to do, but be reading about me doing everything but that haha.
And thank you, I really appreciate your kind words and I am very happy to be sharing this series because as you said the message beneath the pain is what this is really all about :)
Reading this series is excellent for me for many reasons, one of them being from the perspective of a clinician. It is a good reminder for me to really be in the head of someone in chronic pain because it becomes too easy to forget.
But the most important aspect is simply that of one human heart to another. One person’s hurt is another’s.
I was reading this on the edge of my seat! I am so sorry and I’m so glad you finally went to the doctor. It’s silly/sad how much we talk ourselves out of things we NEED to do for our health or just put them off. I’ve been there.
Thank you, Jenovia. I take the fact that you was on the edge of your seat as quite the compliment— one I really appreciate.
And I know, right! Avoiding things we know we need to do for our health has gotta be one of the sillier things us humans do (amongst a sleuth of other things haha).
Thanks again, Jenovia. Your words are greatly appreciated. :)
My first back injury was sliding into a lunch table. My second was reaching for a stapler. The causes were so innocuous and unimpressive that the pain and incapacitation that followed were inconceivable. The origin stories for being felled like this should be epic man vs nature tales that lead to battle scars worn like badges of honor, but they rarely are. Those tiny discs in our spines are much more fickle than that.
This storytelling here is incredible. Because I do know pain like this, I can attest that you descriptions of the symptoms do justice to what I felt. I straightened my posture instinctively while reading. Your description of the on-set in the bathroom nails that helpless feeling as this one wrong move suddenly crumples you inward and leaves you in a broken-postured rigor mortis. This piece conveys the physical experience of this miserable injury so well, at least as I experienced it—you’ve literally hit every symptom except one.
The most fascinating element was your look at the cultural connotations around it. Pain tolerance is absolutely something conditioned as necessary to earn masculinity when I was growing up;. My dad once had a four-inch piece of wood impale him while breaking down branches and he asked for a towel; he needed surgery and eight staples. Back injuries defy that endurance of pain because they inhibit function and overtake nearly all motor function at times. Everything goes through the back! Sitting uses that area, sleeping affects that area—the back and spine are grand central station for corporeal kinetics. And yet caving to that injury feels so manly. I made mine worse the first time by doing this at baseball practice that needed to get done. I couldn’t just stand there hunched over! I’d have been a wuss!
I don’t enjoy, per se, reading about your pain; it’s uncomfortable to follow a good person felled by his failing form. But it’s compelling writing, sharp storytelling, and a visceral experience for me approaching five years post-surgery. I’m eager to see how you ultimately addressed this conflict physically, culturally, and emotionally.
Ohhh man, I know right!? These injuries coming from such innocuous things feels like a true injustice haha. It’s very humbling.
I’m so glad to hear the descriptions rung true to your experience. I found it hard to describe the physical sensation of pain without feeling like I was being hyperbolic. But I hoped that people who’d also experienced how bad it can feel would understand that the hyperbole is the only way to accurately convey the feeling. Which is my long winded way of saying I’m so glad you related to it.
Isn’t it just the strangest thing — we’re conditioned to ignore or push through the body’s strongest signal that we need to yield. It’s crazy. And it feels especially rampant in most sports. I mean, I spoke of skating but when I was younger I also did boxing and football and both had a similar issue. Which is why I totally understand you not wanting to hunch over in baseball practice.
Thank you, Michael. I really appreciate the depth and thoughtfulness of your comment and I really appreciate the kind words as well. It means a lot.
Also, there will be a resolution of sorts but the story has a long way to go yet. :)
I agree Michael, sharing the back story and the cultural connotations is how it will open people's eyes and teach a different way. Well done.
I have had many patients carried into my clinic in this condition and you did do a perfect job of explaining the pain. The mechanisms of injury you describe are very common (years in trade followed by increased sitting after becoming a student, with a stint of low back extension working overhead = a recipe for disaster, never mind skateboarding).
Thank you, Donna. It felt necessary to show the views that informed my thinking at the time, both because of how these cultural connotations are harmful and to show how my views transformed by the end of this experience. There is much more learning and change for me to go through before this story ends haha.
And thank you, I’m happy to hear you found the pain descriptions fitting. As for my mechanisms for injury, like I said in the other comment, I wish I ran into you earlier. :)
Michael, your talent for keeping a reader engaged with your writing is immense. I'm so sorry to read about how much pain you put yourself through before you listened to your body, but I'm hoping that the story has a happy ending.❤️🙏🕊️
Thank you, Camilla. I so appreciate your kind words and continued support of my writing — it really means a lot.
And yes, rest assured there is a happy ending of sorts, but the story had a long way to go before we get there haha :)
Looking forward to the next installment😁
Thank you Camilla :)
Great writing Michael. I believe you haven't really lived until you've had to piss in a bottle. It's a rite of passage—a badge unlocked, whatever the reason.
Hahaha amazing! I totally agree, definitely a must for all those want to really live :)
Thanks Jon, I really appreciate your words.
I too have felt this type of pain, one time a result of picking up a dropped hairbrush, another from raising from my ergonomic work chair (which corporate rules required me to report as "work related injury" until I formally stated it was a repeat issue not work related) but the reaction certainly wasn't warranted by the action and so embarrassing to admit to. I do hope part 2 reveals relief for you, for me the "dead bug" position with
hand to knee resistance moves work wonders, I am a bit jealous of the bottle option you were able to utilize. Best wishes!
There is a feeling of terrible injustice when the action doesn’t warrant the excessively painful reaction. Almost like rubbing salt into the wounds haha.
I’m not happy to hear you’ve experienced such pain, but I am glad you was able to relate.
And yes, eventually I do find some relief, but the story has a long way to go yet.
Thanks Shire :)
Great writing Michael. I want to know more immediately, I am not good at waiting for the next part can it be quite soon please?
Thanks April. I’m glad your enjoying the series.
I wish I could put the parts out sooner, but having some time in-between each one gives me more time to refine them and work on other writing. So unfortunately, for now, a new part will come each fortnight. But I am awfully flattered to hear you’re eager for me — so thank you :)
Ahh you are wise! Take your time and refine. Do not be drawn by impatient hot heads like me 😂
Hehe thanks April. I take your impatience as a huge compliment :)
Oh, Michael, I’m sorry to hear of your back pain, it can really take over everything in your life. I appreciated the context you gave in construction and skateboarding, the mindset definitely paints a picture. My hubs (a contractor, but only a skateboarder when he was a kid ;) was 49ish when his back first went out, right in the middle of our moving into a new home, too. Except it wasn’t the move that caused it, but bending to put on his socks. Your toilet experience beats that, but still, I get how frustrating that must have been!
Pulling our backs out in these innocuous ways makes me feel like the universe has some sort sick sense of humour! Tell your husband I feel his pain.
And thank you Robin, I’m glad to hear you enjoyed the context — I’m slowly trying to build an image of who I was then, so by the end of this series we can see how the ordeal helped me transform. But we have a long way to go yet :)
Ahhhh, what a great chapter and insight into our culture’s refusal to acknowledge pain and allow it to slow us down or pay attention. My husband just started working with a new client the other day who reported that there are 1000s of deaths and 100’s of thousands of injuries on construction sites per year. That’s a whole lot of people popping pain-killers and pushing through injuries until the body finally says No More.
Wow, those are some big numbers, but, yes, given our cultural attitudes around pain and pushing through, especially on construction sites — I’m not surprised by those numbers.
It’s a crazy thing really: we ignore the strongest sign our body can give us. It’s nuts. It makes me feel as though our bodies are more than justified when they finally say No More — mine certainly was anyway.
Thank you, Kimberly. I really appreciate you being here. :)
Triffik yarn ME - two words - Chiro practor
Thank Emmett that is much appreciated.
And ohh yes, we will get to that part of the story soon enough :)
The things we do to ourselves (or the things we don't do to help ourselves)...
Hahaha I know right! Writing that out after the fact, I was like ‘wow, why did I do that to myself’ haha
Thanks Fotini :)
We all do/don’t act like this at times!!!
Indeed, seems like part of the game. :)
DUDE. All the yes. Which is to say ohhhh no! Somehow it always feels worse when it’s something small and dumb that dumps the bullheaded camel over on its face, rather than some glorious “no shit, there I was” tale. Kind of exposes the entire pile of straw that we’ve been ignoring. The mindset of those two cultures… some of the martial arts cultures I’ve been in have that big “suck it up” and even the “badge of pride” mentality. So damaging. It’s amazing how insidiously these things worm into us, and just how deep their fangs sink in.
Do you still have to fight it? Even knowing better, it’s still there for me like rough spots I’ve had to gouge out, fill in and paint over.
And no. No worries about TMI for me. Bodies are messy. Bodies in pain more so. You friggin craftsman, you! Hanging plot like wall supports and precarious decorative cornices to keep us dangling on the edge. Uuuugh…now I wanna know!!!
I love your comments, Alexx! They always make me smile. “Bullheaded camel” is an especially delicious phrase — I’m going to use that somewhere.
I know, right! When it’s something so small it’s like ‘ohh I’m so much softer and feeble than I thought I was, what a house of straw this is’ haha. It’s rough.
Yeah that is a really good point, even to this day — after everything I’ve supposedly learnt — I still have to fight it sometimes. I find that my initial response is to push through and suck it up, and then I sort of catch myself and remind myself to chill and yield and not act like such a bullheaded camel. Which is to say the conditioning runs deep, but I do find I’m better than I used to be.
And thank you, your compliments and flattery is very much appreciated. I’m so glad I’ve ‘hooked’ you to speak. :)
Yours always make me smile too. Steal at will! It’s like the Dark Side, man. *Yoda voice* Mmm…much fear I sense in you. *Vader breathing* The conditioning is strong with this one…. 😝
Oh, got the hook down nice and deep, for sure!! 🎣 🐠
Mmmm... indeed strong :)
Great writing, Michael. Chronic illnesses like this are the worst, especially those that interrupt sleep. I hope it got better.
Thanks Hrvoje. I really appreciate that. Yeah they suck haha.
Things got better eventually, but the story has a long way to go yet. :)
Sounds absolutely horrendous, Michael! I am hoping that at the end of all this you will announce you are pain free - fingers crossed.
Yeah it definitely wasn’t fun haha.
There is a resolution — of sorts — by the end, but we’ve got a long way to go yet.
Thanks Troy :)
I’ve experienced this kind of back pain just once and I remember how excruciating that was. I hope the next post has you feeling better.
Yeah it’s rough alright haha.
Thank you, Priya. The story has a long way to go yet, but we’ll get there :)
Oh, Michael, I love this installation in the story of your chronic pain (although not that you had to deal with it!). You weave the story with both your witty humor and a poignant reminder of how stubborn we sometimes can be in our refusal to see what is in front of us, to admit we’re in trouble, and to seek help.
Glad you at last hobbled off to a doctor and looking forward to what comes next.
Thank you, Holly. I’m so glad you enjoyed this installation. And I really appreciate the kind words on my writing — it’s been a delicate dance to balance the humour with the seriousness, and so, it’s lovely to hear it worked for you. :)
Oh I know that delicate dance well. It’s not just in writing but in life, I think, where it’s important. And yes, it worked wonderfully! The bottle peeing and worse—oh my!
Definitely important in life.
Thank you, Holly :)
A fascinating read for me as it's what I have dealt with every day of my thirty year career as a chiropractor. I will resist the strong urge to tell you why this happened and exactly what you need to do about it! My heart is breaking for this Michael and it remains seriously impressed by the other Michael, the one that I have come to know.
Sharing this story is SO important. I hope it helps you continue on your healing journey and I know it will help so many people see below their neuro-musculoskeletal pain to the message that lives there. I look forward to reading more. Thank you Michael.
Ahhh Donna, how I wish I had of ran into someone like you earlier in this ordeal — it would’ve saved me a whole lot of pain.
I imagine the next few parts of this series will be particularly frustrating for you, as your going to know what I need to do, but be reading about me doing everything but that haha.
And thank you, I really appreciate your kind words and I am very happy to be sharing this series because as you said the message beneath the pain is what this is really all about :)
Reading this series is excellent for me for many reasons, one of them being from the perspective of a clinician. It is a good reminder for me to really be in the head of someone in chronic pain because it becomes too easy to forget.
But the most important aspect is simply that of one human heart to another. One person’s hurt is another’s.
Well in that case, you’re in luck as there will be a lot more stuff about my thoughts and feelings as I navigated this ordeal.
Thanks Donna :)
I was reading this on the edge of my seat! I am so sorry and I’m so glad you finally went to the doctor. It’s silly/sad how much we talk ourselves out of things we NEED to do for our health or just put them off. I’ve been there.
Can’t wait for part three!!!
Thank you, Jenovia. I take the fact that you was on the edge of your seat as quite the compliment— one I really appreciate.
And I know, right! Avoiding things we know we need to do for our health has gotta be one of the sillier things us humans do (amongst a sleuth of other things haha).
Thanks again, Jenovia. Your words are greatly appreciated. :)